MURDER BEFORE BREAKFAST… Just The Fax

 

(TRANSCRIPT of author Kieran Crowley interview for GUN FUN MAGAZINE by B.H BUNGALOW.)

BHB: I’ll just put the recorder here, okay, Mister Crowley?

KC: Call me Kieran.

BHB: Okay, Kieran. Call me Bill. We got your press release on your new book, the  mystery-thriller THE HACK.

KC: Just HACK.

BHB: What?

KC: Just Hack. One word, not THE HACK.  Have you read the book, Bill?

BHB: Correction. The new mystery-thriller, HACK. So, Kieran, readers of GF Magazine want to know what model, caliber and load your new action hero is packing. One of the new, sexy Italian big-clip machine pistols? A twelve gauge six gun?

KC: A fax machine.

BHB: What about a fax machine?
KC: That’s my hero, Shepherd’s, weapon. Well, one of them.

BHB: Ha. A fax? Seriously?

KC: Not too seriously, I hope. Yup. A Hewlett Packard, Model 1040. Black. At three paces.

BHB: Wait a sec. My editor told me to do a Celebrity Pistol Profile of you and your hero. You know, James Bond used a Walther PPK, Dirty Harry used a magnum .44, right?

KC: My guy, Shepherd, doesn’t use guns anymore. He’s had enough of guns and he only uses violence in self-defense.

BHB: Who would use a fax machine for self-defense?

KC: Shepherd. Actually, they’re pretty heavy. Have you tried one? I can show you, if you like. I have one in the office.

BHB: No, that’s okay. Um… I have a note from my editor that you have a low-speed chase in you book?

KC: Yeah, on a bicycle. In Manhattan. One of those blue rental things.

BHB: Why would you want to have a low-speed chase?

KC: I guess because everybody else has high-speed chases.

BHB: Okay. So… what’s your personal choice of firearms?

KC: I don’t have any guns either. Sorry.

BHB: Hold on. Does anybody in your book… um…

KC: HACK?

BHB: Right, in HACK. Does anybody use a gun?

KC: Sure, you bet.

BHB: Great, okay. What kind of weapons?

KC: Well… a meat cleaver… and an AK-47 assault rifle, a shotgun, and several pistols, Glock semi-automatics, mostly.

BHB: All right, great. So there is hot gun action?

KC: Sure. There ya go. Shepherd also uses another kind of weapon but…

BHB: That’s not a gun either, right?

KC: Right. Sorry.

BHB: Please don’t tell me it’s another office supply item?

KC: Actually… yes, but…

BHB: The AK, is it made out of pure gold?

KC: Nope.

BHB: Any of these weapons use the new all-weather, ultrasound targeting?

KC: Sorry, no. Shepherd doesn’t use guns anymore. He’s seen too much.

BHB: But he’s supposed to be a hero. How can he be an action hero if there’s no action – if he doesn’t kill anybody?

KC: Good question but I didn’t say he doesn’t kill anyone. You haven’t read the book, have you?

BHB: Look, Kieran. My problem is I don’t write for FAX FUN MAGAZINE. You just don’t… sorry, but…

KC: I get it. You’re not going to do a piece on me. Okay. Sorry you made the trip.

BHB: No problem. Look, good luck with the book. I’m sure you’ll get lots of other publicity, you know… in non-gun publications.

KC: Absolutely. In an hour, I’m doing a phone interview with the guy from the Staples website.

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